Under Construction ...

Ten of My Theories.

1. Have you every noticed that young ladies these days, even when they are skinny little things, have quite large breasts? Hormones in chicken. It's true. Have you bought a non-organic quicken breast lately. Try to imagine the size the chicken has to be to have a breast that big.
2. Diet drinks have phenylalanine in them. They also have aspartame. They shouldn't be in things together and so the manufactures call the latter 'sweetener 951'. It's in them all. They don't want you to know because it gives you cancer, and brain tumors, and mood swings, and ADHD, and Alzheimer's, and MS, and birth defects, and diabetes ... do you need me to go on. I think I would rather be chubby and have bad teeth, which have their own set of problems but ...
3. Men are like the colour cream. Sorry men, this does also apply to women, but I am one so I go with this tack. I had a lady once, when I worked in a paint shop, who tried fifty different sample pots of cream. Ultimately it would not have mattered which one she chose. Whatever she chose, when it was all over the walls she would have liked it—they are all basically the same. This sounds a little harsh, so maybe it sounds better this way: there is something to love in all the different colour creams, the only time you question the cream you have is when you compare it to others. If you love what there is to love about the one you have, there is no reason to compare. 'If you can't be, with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.' This sounds terrible, but I actually think it is a fabulous theory of now-ness.
4. Work committees, comprised of staff members, are a corporate token which enables higher management to run their own agenda with the illusion that it is supported, or even implemented, by the staff.
5. We all have an ASIO profile based on our library borrowing and internet browsing history.
6. I have a theory about goaties. But this is a family show and so I cannot share it here. Ask me when you see me—but be prepared for a little vulgarity.
7. I believe that every seven years you have a year where you have bad BO. I know it sounds mad but it happens to me every seven years. I cannot even begin to understand why, but I have just remembered that forty-two is divisible by seven. Sorry to anyone near me this year.
8. I have a theory that in my last life I was Russian.I believe it was the last because most of what links me to this Russianness is instinctive—like nothing comes between the last life and me: my interest in the literature and language, my propensity to drink tea from a glass and the desire I always have when I do for a sugar cube. The theory is also supported by my communistic sensibility, meaning I would need to have been Stalin/Lenin era at a minimum.
9. This theory possibly belies the fact that this blog is of the year 2010 because it speaks about the bestowing of Kate and Will at their wedding of the titles the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I may have just understood, as this post truly shows, that I am onto how the Queen thinks. I think the Queen is being nasty. Will was 'supposed' to go, as all good kingly wanna-bes do, to Cambridge University, but instead bucked tradition and went to St Andrews where he met Kate. If he had done what he was supposed to he would never have met and married Kate, the commoner. In giving them the title, I believe the Queen is stating she is not happy with the union. Oh well, everyone else on the planet seems okay with it.