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Ten Gross First Aid Stories.

* I am now available for services requiring a Level 2 First Aid Certificate. Please be advised that due to my tight cheeks (see my orthodontic dentist for more details regarding this phenomenon), persons suffocating, dying or otherwise having trouble breathing will need to pout in order for me to be able to render worthwhile assistance. Big mouths need not apply.

1. A man’s hip popped out. A good Samaritan popped it back in, not realising that the connective tissue between the testes and the hip had become entangled, and the popping in yanked it violently to the side. Ouch.
2. Two Islander males were fighting with knives. One sliced the other’s mid section open and all his intestines spilled out. Not wanted to be bettered he wrapped them around his neck and kept fighting.
3. A rugby player dislocated his thumb. Wanting to keep playing he went against medical advice, popped it back in, and kept playing. Later in the game he popped it out again. Try for second time lucky. He ended up with his large toe on his hand.
4. A motorcycle rider insisted on taking off his own helmet after a serious road accident. A piece of his skull came with it. Instant death.
5. Not gross, but funny. It took eight people to go down, one by one, into an area where people kept collapsing when they went down there, for someone to think that possibly there was a reason why people kept collapsing. Turned out there was a non-toxic, but knock-out, gas leaking, heavier than air, and everyone who went to assist succumbed. It’s nice that people are so eager to help.
6. A man had an accident years ago when he smashed his testicles on the bar of his bicycle. When he went to have a vasectomy, the surgeon ended up doing seven as his seminal ducts had split seven ways in the accident.
7. A lady—well, actually, that may be a questionable title—was ‘proust-ing’ her friend at the Octoberfest in Munich with the one litre stein. The glasses missed each other and her friend stein ended up knocking out her two front teeth. Why waste a good festival though? She popped the teeth in her pocket, kept drinking for two days and caught a train to a Swiss dentist. She smiled okay when we saw her.