Ten Songs Idol Hopefuls Sang, Arguably, Better than the Originals.

* Maybe it’s because they are shorter that the Idol’s versions seem more dynamic; maybe its the way they reworked them to suit their characters and personalities: I just like them more.

1. Hayley: Pink’s ‘Funhouse’.
2. Damien: Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah'.
3. Stan: Beyonce's 'Single Ladies'.
4. Wes: Michael Jackson's 'Black or White'.
5. Jessica: Lulu's 'To Sir With Love'.
6. Luke: The Temptations' 'My Girl'.
7. Mark: Kings of Leon's 'Sex on Fire'.
8. Natalie: Michael Jackson's 'Man in the Mirror'.
9. Natalie (again): Nat King Cole's 'Orange Coloured Sky'.
10. Kate: Stealer's Wheel's 'Stuck in the Middle With You'.

Under Construction ...

Ten Funny Things my Nieces and Nephews Have Said.

1. S—— came out of his room with a large colourful 'afro' wig on his head. B—— asked him why he was wearing my (Charlie's) hair.
2. D—— told S—— not to question her because she knew everything. Bad move. He replied with the valid question: If you know everything, why don't you know why the chicken crossed the road?
3. Mum, will I go to jail if I don’t take a wife. Someone has been paying a bit of attention in RE.
4. Some people have problems with addition. My nephew couldn’t understand why, he can add just fine. And they had even talked about it on the radio. Turned out it was ‘addiction’.

Under Construction ...

Ten Favourite Ads.

1. I love that ad with the older couple discussing which of their recorded shows they'll watch:
Him: Midsummer Murders? Maybe later.
Her: American Idol?
Him: I think that's one you can watch on your own, dear.
Together: Selling Houses.
Then the son, thirty-something, esconsed on his couch space, says 'I can't believe you watch this stuff'.
The father responds: Are you still here, I thought you moved out in your twenties.
The son does the 4 Pickles silent laugh.
It's hilarious because it's true.

Ten Superheroes Who Are Just Odd.

Thanks goes for this research to Comic Vine at http://www.comicvine.com

1. Swamp Thing. Variously 'reincarnated' from a scientist killed in a lab experiment gone wrong, Swamp Thing is a vegetable matter superhero who is very hard to destroy (he just rejuvenates), who can transport his consciousness into vegetation in another location, and who can control the plants around him. He is, on occasion, a bit of an eco-superhero. Mmm, odd.

2, Black Canary. I like that this female superhero came about due to the police force's misogynistic hiring policies of the forties—necessitating her becoming a superhero for the Justice League of America. Her power is the Canary Cry—a high pitch scream which breaks things and debilitates her opponents. A canary, even a black one, doesn't seem the most ominous of creatures. Maybe her subtlety is a killer, but no male superhero would ever have to be the incarnation of a small fluffy bird. And just in case this all didn't seem sexist enough, her character had to be changed so that she was in fact her own daughter when, like news readers, she got too old to be conceivably super.

3. Absorbing Man. I like it when they don't mess around with fancy names. What does Absorbing Man do? He absorbs. There you go. He is actually a bad guy, but there is a great moment of the metaphysical when he absorbs/is absorbed by the ocean as a means of escape, and in the immensity of the ocean loses his sanity because he cannot reconcile his self. It's an interesting idea to pinch and rework.

4. Longshot. His super power—among the normal things like speed, accurancy, strength and power—is that he can affect probability to give himself good luck. It only works as good if his motives are, and somewhere bad luck occurs as a result. I suppose that would make it so you only used it when absolutely necessary. Odd premise for a superhero—a way to bring morality into a comic (as if it wasn't already there).

5. Desaad. A literary refernece super-villain in a plethora of puns. He is recruited by Darkseid and taken to Apokolips. He is, of course a saadist. He dies all the time, but Darkseid needs him and so he is the most resurected supper-entity in living history.

6. The Crimson Avenger: Jill Carlyle. This is all okay in the early manifestation of this superhero who is male, but gets weird when Jill takes the mantel. Jill inherits the original hero's powers when she buys his guns from a pawn shop. She wears a red mask over her eyes to symbolise Justice; develops a bleeding hole in the middle of her chest. Is it me or is this just some weird manifestation, by a male I imagine, of the menstrual cycle??

7. Doll Man. Doll Man can will himself to be six inches tall, and has special clothes that shrink with him—thus avoiding embarrasing nakedness. I love it when 'special abilities' become the deus ex machina to stop all the questions that the nerdy type of people who like cartoons would ask of the practicalities of superheroness. I also love that this superhero is so perfectly made to be a lifesize action figure of himself—just a shame he has such a wimpy name that no one would buy him.

8. Typhoid Mary. Why is the comic world so misogynistic? Typhoid Mary is man's ultimate phantasy apparently: the virgin, the whore, the little girl and the mommy. But she'll kill you too—making her a 'bad guy'. She also has a psychological disorder: multiple personality. It's the old 'insane' woman trope. Am I over-reacting? Probably: One of her personalities claims she is a feminist after all, killing only men who abuse women. That's alright then.

9. Shaft. Shaft doesn't get much of a write-up—he's the leader of Youngblood and has a MySpace site—but he needs to be included with a phallic name like that doesn't he? Apparently he doesn't have many super-powers—size not mahic after all. But he shoots straight (tee hee). He is also very bad at spelling and grammar. Definitely not my type of superhero!

10. Synn. Synn is a go-go dancer, who after being 'experimented' on by a Dr Dirk Farkas while strapped near naked to a door, has a chemical reasction thanks to the LSD in her system and becomes super-brainy, more brainy than she can control. She becomes on of the members of FemForce, and by the look of it they are just good superheroes, doing good, and it has nothing to do with feminine exploitation. Nope, not a thing. I don't think I will ever be able to read a comic again. Either that, or this would be a great thesis.

Ten TV Shows I Watched as a Child/Teenager—Remember ...

1. Kenny Everett Show. I can only remember it vaguely as bad eighties costumes and funny and wrong humour. It was weird as far as I remember. A skit show of ridiculousness, probably along the lines of a new generation Monty Python.
2. Dr Who. Tom was always my favourite doctor. I think I may have even made a scarf. The theme songs stay in your subconscious—I can’t hum it but I can feel how it goes.
3. Countdown. That I can recall the song to—but I am better at words than music. How cool were the clothes of the eighties? I didn’t think that would be something I would ever say. I also find it really interesting to look at the females on Countdown and see how voluptuous they look. I used to look at the women on Countdown when I was a teenager and wish I could be that skinny. Now they look practically fat in comparison to the ‘famous’ of now. It scares me how much that means a contemporary teenager thinks they need to lose in weight to look ‘cool’.
4. Get Smart. How could 99 ever fall in love with such a klutz? I suppose we did. Remember the poor depressed guy who always had to hide in very small spaces? I would be depressed too if Max was promoted over me, and I ended up inside a fire hydrant.
5. The Goodies. Goodie, goodie, yum, yum. What were they saying at the end of that refrain? Don’t tell me because then I will never be able to remember what I originally thought it was—like Cheap Wine and a Three Day Growth. I don’t think I valued these shows enough at the time—especially now that it is so hard to see them again without a TV antennae or cable.
6. Moonlighting. Any platform that launches Bruce Willis has to be a good, or at least moderately mediocre, platform. Throw in a naughty boy/professional woman sexual tension, some comedy and murder mysteries and it’s a guarantee you will be in front of the telly every week. It is also a way for someone (maybe a sister) to get sucked into buying Bruce Willis musical albums.
7. The Avengers. This is a show that takes me all the way back to South Africa where it was more likely that the episodes would be viewed on a hired projector than on TV. The catsuit stands out. Maybe that is where my idea of being a female spy comes from—if I was one I would look like her.
8. M*A*S*H. Do you think that this is one of the places where the really good character based shows started? Or maybe it’s just that I came to it at the right time to understand, or feel, that character was important, vital.
9. The Greatest American Hero. A TV equivalent of a one-hit wonder. Character is one thing; fallibility is another. Quirk is the third. I can’t remember character from this one but it did have the other two.
10. The Muppets. I was going to put McGyver down but I think it was more D——‘s thing than it ever was mine. I have just seen my work colleague do the Swedish chef’s hands and it brought this crazy cast back to mind. A timeless classic.

Ten Cryptic Crossword Clues I Have (Eventually) Managed to Solve.

Clues:
1. Marine backwards.
2. Feature of insolent talk.
3. Reason to withdraw permit to fly.
4. Near to a part-song.
5. Settles in a phlegmatic way.
6. The plane might be a jumbo.
7. Reckon I'm dividing what's left.
8. Royal house set out in words.
9. Toss a coin with me for profit.
10. Protect a worker who is accused.

Answers:
1. Ebb.
2. Cheek.
3. Ground.
4. Around.
5. Coughs Up.
6. Elephant ('the' and 'plane' mixed up).
7. Estimate (EstI'mate.
8. Windsor.
9. Income ('coin' and 'me' mixed up).
10. Defendant (defend and ant).

Under Construction ...

Ten Adverts That Say One Thing and Mean Another.

1. NAB: More give, Less take. Watch the ad. The girl steals the boy’s quiff. He cries, she gives it back. So the message I get is that the bank gives you back that which was yours in the first place and which was taken from you forcefully—no more, no less. Ah, thanks NAB.
2. NAB: No asterisk. They are trying to convince us that they have accounts without the small print. Look at the bottom of the screen—ther's an asterisk!
3. Radio Rentals: We won’t say no to any rental item you can afford. Um, is it just me that thinks this sounds stupid?
4. AAMI: The singing one (which is annoying on its own level). There is a strange mix of tenses when the doorman holding half a door sings his line. He says: 'He gets the same as I did'. Because one is ongoing present tense and one the past it implies that the doorman now gets a different rate and therefore there is no point to what they are saying which is that safe drivers are not advantaged. I think it belies the fact that they are telling porkies. This is a hunch and is yet to be actually proven true—but it is an insurance company, you know what I am saying yes?
5. Biofilm. I can't recall just which idiotic toothpaste company believes we are completely gullible, but,really, this is just an ad to say that all toothpastes do the same thing so we are going to try and scare you into buying ours on another level by calling the same old stuff that happens to teeth by a new name—biofilm.I'm not buying it. I like the one that gets all foamy in your mouth.
6. Budget, Budget. Car Insurance. Besides the fact that I hate the ad to death, I just don’t understand it either. Why is the French bimbo in the old man who she met on the side of the road’s bathroom having a shower? Why is a young girl in a much older man’s shower anyway? What are they trying to say at all? In a way they are perhaps unfairly placed in this list because in order to say one thing and mean another, they need to be saying something in the first place.
7. This one is literal, but no less (eek) annoying for the fact. There is a Ford ad that is all about ‘less’—less petrol needed, less cost to purchase etc. But the starting sentence they have is ‘Less trips to the fuel pump’. Fewer!! Fewer, fewer, fewer! trips to the fuel pump. This is how languages are ruined and morons are born. I know that sounds harsh but I am writing this at work where the evidence of language degradation is abundant and annoyingly annoying.
8. I think it is either ANZ or Eftpos in general that have an ad which seems to implying that the world works smoothly when people all file after each other touching their card to a thingy and not holding anyone up with the inconvenience of cash. They all crash into one another when someone takes out their wallet and hands over a note. Um? Stepford wives? They're all auto-bots with zero personality or individuality, following each other unthinkingly. Nothing disincentivizes me more than an add that tells me to be like everyone else. 9. Quilton Toilet Tissue. They ask you to imagine the 'world's fluffiest cloud, the softest baby lambs or the softness of feathers and pillows'. Um, do you mean I have to imagine wiping my bottom with any of those? A cloud would be refreshing and watery but not really very solid. A lamb would squirm about, and is somehow immoral. And feather by themselves, messy and a bit like being tarred and feathered, and the whole pillow is really a bit of a waste! Not good analogies.

Under Construction ...

Ten Gross First Aid Stories.

* I am now available for services requiring a Level 2 First Aid Certificate. Please be advised that due to my tight cheeks (see my orthodontic dentist for more details regarding this phenomenon), persons suffocating, dying or otherwise having trouble breathing will need to pout in order for me to be able to render worthwhile assistance. Big mouths need not apply.

1. A man’s hip popped out. A good Samaritan popped it back in, not realising that the connective tissue between the testes and the hip had become entangled, and the popping in yanked it violently to the side. Ouch.
2. Two Islander males were fighting with knives. One sliced the other’s mid section open and all his intestines spilled out. Not wanted to be bettered he wrapped them around his neck and kept fighting.
3. A rugby player dislocated his thumb. Wanting to keep playing he went against medical advice, popped it back in, and kept playing. Later in the game he popped it out again. Try for second time lucky. He ended up with his large toe on his hand.
4. A motorcycle rider insisted on taking off his own helmet after a serious road accident. A piece of his skull came with it. Instant death.
5. Not gross, but funny. It took eight people to go down, one by one, into an area where people kept collapsing when they went down there, for someone to think that possibly there was a reason why people kept collapsing. Turned out there was a non-toxic, but knock-out, gas leaking, heavier than air, and everyone who went to assist succumbed. It’s nice that people are so eager to help.
6. A man had an accident years ago when he smashed his testicles on the bar of his bicycle. When he went to have a vasectomy, the surgeon ended up doing seven as his seminal ducts had split seven ways in the accident.
7. A lady—well, actually, that may be a questionable title—was ‘proust-ing’ her friend at the Octoberfest in Munich with the one litre stein. The glasses missed each other and her friend stein ended up knocking out her two front teeth. Why waste a good festival though? She popped the teeth in her pocket, kept drinking for two days and caught a train to a Swiss dentist. She smiled okay when we saw her.

Under Construction ...

Ten Ways Other People Disempower You and Why it is Never Okay.

1. When they are sleazy, see that it makes you uncomfortable and then deliberately invade your space because they know they have made you uncomfortable.
2. When they take control and don’t let you be yourself.
3. When they say they are open minded but then proceed to tell you the best way to live your life according to them.
4. When they act like they know you—no question. People aren’t fixed entities, you stifle me when you don’t allow for my change.
5. When they don’t allow you your space.
6. When they stop you from doing something by picking you up. Sorry Bodhi, I did only do this for what I thought was your own good. See Number 2.
7. When they are bullies that are chickens. For example, when they make a picture of a little girl look demonic, draw a knife in her hand, and then put it on your desk when you aren't there. If you have a problem with me, have the guts to have it out with me face to face. I suppose the good thing is that if that happened they would find out I was a bit of a driveling mess, this way they are passively-aggressively scared of me. I am possible mad enough to not drivel in this instance though.
8. When people force you to wear a really ugly uniform to work in a place where a uniform isn't really required, where they don't wear one, and where you are the only other employee. It is a little easier if you know its based on irrational jealousy, but you still feel like a rather large dork—especially when cute tradies come in.

Under Construction ...

Ten Newly Coined Euphemisms.

1. Borderline air bubble: fart.
2. I love large loads. But I do, there is something intriguing about them. I am talking about the truck processions that pass with flashing lights in the middle of the night, but, this could just as legitimately be about well endowed boys. 3. I dropped my shopping. This is a great tame way of saying 'I lost my shit!' as in losing the plot, not actually just misplacing some not-that-valuable items. I heard it on a documentary about living on your own for a week in Africa. I would drop my shopping, what with all the noises at night, and footprints around your tent.

Ten Authors I Would Like to Hear Speak at the Williamstown Literary Festival.

* I did not mention the words feasible, possible or realistic. Unavailability due to other commitments or being on other realms of existence is not a consideration.

1. Steinbeck speaking about metaphor.
2. Rushdie advising how to make things strange.
3. Woolfe in an intimate conversation about living in her time, knowing who she knew, and sadness.
4. Blyton speaking about magic.
5. Rowling in a large auditorium, evangelist style, on selling yourself and the ‘big picture’ of multiple novels.
6. Kerouac, with a gathering around him, in a pub somewhere, chatting about hanging out, jazz and hitting the road.
7. Patterson, James, syndicated and broadcast, lecturing on entrepreneurialism.
8. Austin, over coffee, gossiping.
9. Shakespeare sneakily rehashing ideas on rehashing ideas.
10. Wilde on whether Intentions is just a piss-take.

Ten Items I Would Like to Sew or Knit at Work Instead of Reading Intentions or A Thousand Plateaus.

1. My two swinging sixties dresses in bold geometric patterns—with pockets—for the Beatnik Bifurcating Britain with a Beaver tour. I know you purists are saying Beatniks just wear black. My twains are meeting. I'll have black-with-contrasts, and Beatniks are also supposed to be straight up and down and wear tight clothes—I'm no Audrey Hepburn so I'll hide the curves.
2. The leg warmers in B——'s borrowed knitting book. They look so cute; so unlike leg warmers in the eighties. Who am I kidding? But I could wear them over my hiking boots so that it looks like I have sixties knee high boots on from a distance, if you're in the distance and squinting a lot.
3. My cloud quilt—so boldly started and now in arrested development. Bloody thesis. Stimmeys all creativity except itself. It's like a tapeworm.
4. Red quilted lining for my Sherlock Holmes cloak. If I can't be a detective/sleuth/spy,at least I could look the part a little. Or, just look weird maybe.
5. Wild, funky exciting scarves for [Name cannot be disclosed due to pending copyright issues] Pty Ltd.
6. Wild, funky, unusual sleevies for [Name cannot be disclosed due to pending copyright issues] Pty Ltd.
7. Nightmare on Elm Street jumper in original orange and green, and in original, pre-burned condition. This is a favour for someone in case anyone who knows me is suddenly struggling with what they thought they actually did know about me—I would never wear orange and green together.
8. Refashioning op-shop clothing into things of unique beauty. I have such amazing ideas.i just wish they weren't in my sub-conscious so I could see what they are.
9. Vintage Vogue pattern I have had for fourteen years, for the tailed skirt with tassels.
10. An outfit or two a month like I pledged in my list of one hundred and one things to do before I die.

Under Construction ...

Ten Street Strangers and What They Talked to me About.

1. Fourteen April. World Trade Centre, waiting for the 109. Male. About how these young tram drivers see you trying to get to the stop and ignore you. There is no customer service any more.
2. Three May. Flinder St Railway Station Tram Stop, waiting for the 1. Male. He just handed me a badge. He didn't speak a lot (any) English. I gathered he had found it, noticed my lanyard with its million badges and thought I was the best recipient. Its a black and pink thing that looks like a 'C'. It's on my lanyard.
3. Ten October. Outside Coles, Port Melbourne, waiting for B——. Female. She told me that a taxi driver had killed a pedestrian around the corner. Police had blocked off the road for a little while I waited but it all seemed low-key for a fatal. We discussed the dangers of cycling and walking as she put on her bicycle helmet backwards. I offered some sartorial advise. she took it. Turned out no one died.

Under Construction ...

Ten Ideas I Wish I'd Had, or, I Wish I'd Had Earlier.

1. The Balloon Hat Experience. See it at http://www.balloonhat.com/diggy/ Two men travel the world, making the most amazing balloon hats and photographing people wearing them. Their philosophy is that a smile is universal and links all inhabitants of the world together. Like B——'s favourite dancing man, a reason to travel and meet people seems more valid than just travelling for travel's sake. It also makes a good book, tv show, film, t-shirt ...
2. The Uniform Project. See it at http://www.theuniformproject.com/ One woman gets seven copies of the same dress made and wears them for a year, using only recycled accessories to make it different everyday. She uses this to raise money for teaching kids in India. I so wish I had thought of this, it's super cool.
3. The Red Paperclip.See it at http://www.oneredpaperclip.com/2009/12/17/the-one-red-paperclip-project/ In fourteen short trade-ups, this fellow went from owning a red paperclip to owning a house. What could I trade?
4. To take old picture books and frame the pages as ‘reminiscences of childhood’. Then charge ninety dollars per picture. Chi-ching.

Ten Things I Can Carry Around in my Glorified Lunch Bag/Map Cover That B—— so Sweetly Gave Me Tonight.

* Other than a map that is.
** Disclaimer: I am not a ungrateful git! The 'glorified lunch bag comment' was pilfered from the giver: a B——ism.

1. A picture of what a Beatnik is supposed to look like so that the weird costume I am wearing while hiking is placed in context.
2. Perhaps also a sign to say that I am on a 'Beatnik Bifurcating Britain with a Beaver' tour—just to ensure it all makes perfect sense to anyone who sees me in that attire, with that stuffed toy, on top of a lonely Welsh mountain, and is set to wondering.
3. Maybe a sign that says: 'Charlston Goch. Darkest Australia. Please look after this Beatnik. Thank You.'
4. A Lunch Order. Like you used to get at school: ham sandwich, chocolate milk, liquorice strap, apple—$1.75. Maybe just my lunch: ham sandwich, strawberry milk, liquorice strap, dried apple.
5. Ginsberg's 'Howl', or  Whitman's "Song of Myself' or 'Song of the Open Road' to learn on the long, long walks, and howl or sing to the creatures on the sides—the open road makes one a little strange.
6. A hitchhiking sign that says 'Irregular Choice and Bust'. Possibly only towards the end of the hike though, when I am through with paying for B&B's.
7. Note to self: The compass works upside down here—don't forget to go the other way.
8. Breadcrumbs. In case I lose the note from number seven and have to find my way back again. Oh, no, it was pebbles wasn't it? The birds ate the breadcrumbs, and then the witch ... make it pebbles.
9. An English-Welsh dictionary.
10. My LEJOG paperwork so I can remember to get it stamped everynight this time. No one is ever going to believe I walked all the way if I don't have the certificate to prove it.

Ten Things to Do With a Used Bike Chain.

1. Neckwear. It speaks grunge cyclist. I would recommend both cleaning it with a good degreaser first, and taking out a few links for matching earrings and belly button drop.
2. Use it to open jars. You may need to work out a way to make little spikes on the jar lip for it to catch on, but if you have come this far, you're nearly there. Perservere. Or just bang on the side of the lid with the chain, like you normally would with the side of the kitchen bench.
3. Responsible Busking. No animal is exploited in the name of a few dollars when your snake charming snake is a bike chain. It's slinky, its slidey, its sibilant. And no one will sue, because nothing will ever go horribly wrong—except the excitement factor in your show.
4. Heavy duty beaded curtain for the fish and chip shop—while it will definitely keep out the flies, there may be issues with it also keeping out the clients.
5. Split up the links and use them as sequins. If you then use them to sew to a hiking outfit, the added weight as the kilometres accumulate will ensure your increased fitness level doesn’t plateau your weight loss.
6. A funky dog lead. This suggestion is breed appropriate—please don’t try this at home on a Papillion or Chihuahua.
7. Use them for wheels on mini tanks. These can be toys or serious infiltrating military machinery.
8. Place mats, coasters and hot-pot spots. No more melted plastic.
9. Watch fob—stylishly steampunk.
10. Boot scraper. There is great dirt attractibility to a bike chain, as all you cyclists know.

Ten Places I Would Rather be Than at Work Being Yelled at.

1. Walking LEJOG—regardless of how many hills I had to go down.
2. Comatosedly relaxing on a sun lounge by a pool in Port Douglas.
3. Road tripping in a convertible on the Lost Highway—the convertible is a bit of an added luxury.
4. Walking the steep steps of the Great Wall of China.
5. The dentist. Only kidding—that one is too hard to call.
6. In bed with a PJ romper suit with booties, hot chocolate and biscuits.
7. Canoeing around and through the waterways of New Zealand.
8. Having an International Airport Experience prior to an outbound flight. This is the experience that includes, arriving, checking in, getting coffee or food, changing money, going through security, browsing Duty Free etc, etc.
9. Waiting to be the third last person to present at the Honours Symposium where tension is escalating and boredom is growing.
10. Anywhere really. You name it.

Ten Trangia Recipes.

* Because she said it was so easy to come up with a list title, this and the next three lists are suggestions from B——. It's easy when you're removed. It's easy when this is one to four, not one-hundred-and-three to one-hundred-and-seven. Calm down chica. It's okay. And thanks B——: great ideas!

1. Penne Tomasca. Boil one bowl worth of pasta. Drain. Add one can of Italian herbs infused crushed tomatoes. Stir while over flame to heat. Eat.
2. Tuna and Corn Pasta. Boil one bowl of pasta. Add one can of tuna and one can of sweet corn. Stir while over flame to heat. Eat.
3. Porridge. Soak oats in water for a few minutes before putting over the flame. Boil to desired consistency. Add a couple of teaspoons of condensed milk, some nuts and some dried fruit cut up with a Swiss army knife. Eat.
4. Cheese and Mushroom Risotto. Boil water with a shake of Italian herbs. Add rice and cook until ready. Drain if needed. Add mushrooms and La Vache Qui Rit cheese. Stir. Eat.
5. Salami Hot Pot. Slice a red pepper into bit size pieces. Add to pot and dry saute for a few minutes. Add a spicy can of crushed tomatoes and a can of bean mix. Heat. Add sliced salami. Eat.
6. Chickpea Soup. Heat water. Add contents of packet of instant soup of your desired flavour (works well with a tomato type base). Stir. Add a can of chickpeas. Heat. Eat.
7. Bread and Butter pudding. Heat a small amount of water and add condensed milk to taste. When warm remove from heat. Add slices of buttered white bread until milk is soak into bread. Sprinkle with sugar if available. Use trangia flame to light a twig. use lighted twig to caramelise surface. Make sure twig flame is extinguished and does not cause a forest fire. Eat.
8. Chicken and Corn soup. Heat water. Add a packet of instant chicken and corn soup. Stir. Add a can of sweet corn. If able, dependent on availability and ability to transport on your given camping holiday, add the white of one egg and stir vigorously to get that streaky egg thing. Eat.
9. Sweet Stew. Heat water and add one carrot and one sweet potato. Boil until potato is soft. Drain. Return vegetables to heat. Add a can of mixed beans and some chopped processed meat, for example, salami, pre-cooked chicken breast. Heat. Eat.
10. Campaccino. Heat Water. Add condensed milk to taste. Add instant coffee to taste. Drink.

Under Construction ...

Ten of My Theories.

1. Have you every noticed that young ladies these days, even when they are skinny little things, have quite large breasts? Hormones in chicken. It's true. Have you bought a non-organic quicken breast lately. Try to imagine the size the chicken has to be to have a breast that big.
2. Diet drinks have phenylalanine in them. They also have aspartame. They shouldn't be in things together and so the manufactures call the latter 'sweetener 951'. It's in them all. They don't want you to know because it gives you cancer, and brain tumors, and mood swings, and ADHD, and Alzheimer's, and MS, and birth defects, and diabetes ... do you need me to go on. I think I would rather be chubby and have bad teeth, which have their own set of problems but ...
3. Men are like the colour cream. Sorry men, this does also apply to women, but I am one so I go with this tack. I had a lady once, when I worked in a paint shop, who tried fifty different sample pots of cream. Ultimately it would not have mattered which one she chose. Whatever she chose, when it was all over the walls she would have liked it—they are all basically the same. This sounds a little harsh, so maybe it sounds better this way: there is something to love in all the different colour creams, the only time you question the cream you have is when you compare it to others. If you love what there is to love about the one you have, there is no reason to compare. 'If you can't be, with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.' This sounds terrible, but I actually think it is a fabulous theory of now-ness.
4. Work committees, comprised of staff members, are a corporate token which enables higher management to run their own agenda with the illusion that it is supported, or even implemented, by the staff.
5. We all have an ASIO profile based on our library borrowing and internet browsing history.
6. I have a theory about goaties. But this is a family show and so I cannot share it here. Ask me when you see me—but be prepared for a little vulgarity.
7. I believe that every seven years you have a year where you have bad BO. I know it sounds mad but it happens to me every seven years. I cannot even begin to understand why, but I have just remembered that forty-two is divisible by seven. Sorry to anyone near me this year.
8. I have a theory that in my last life I was Russian.I believe it was the last because most of what links me to this Russianness is instinctive—like nothing comes between the last life and me: my interest in the literature and language, my propensity to drink tea from a glass and the desire I always have when I do for a sugar cube. The theory is also supported by my communistic sensibility, meaning I would need to have been Stalin/Lenin era at a minimum.
9. This theory possibly belies the fact that this blog is of the year 2010 because it speaks about the bestowing of Kate and Will at their wedding of the titles the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I may have just understood, as this post truly shows, that I am onto how the Queen thinks. I think the Queen is being nasty. Will was 'supposed' to go, as all good kingly wanna-bes do, to Cambridge University, but instead bucked tradition and went to St Andrews where he met Kate. If he had done what he was supposed to he would never have met and married Kate, the commoner. In giving them the title, I believe the Queen is stating she is not happy with the union. Oh well, everyone else on the planet seems okay with it.

Under Construction ...

Ten Clerical Errors I have Made in Jobs.

*For those who are unfamiliar with the idiosyncrasies of creating a 'job', we type in the details for the dispatcher to read to the police vans, but once we hit the magic enter button, there is no going back and your work is out there for all to see.

1. Instead of 'Male poss by himself' (poss being an approved abbreviation of possibly);
    I wrote 'Male poos by himself'.
2. Instead of 'Her underwear is showing';
    I wrote 'Her underwear is smoking'.
3. Instead of 'The Elephant and Wheelbarrow';
    I wrote 'The Elephant and Wheelchairs'.
4. Instead of 'Over male dropping money under counter';
    I wrote 'Over male dropping money under cunter'.
5. Instead of writing 'flatmate';
    I wrote 'fat mate'.
6. Instead of writing 'boom gates';
    I wrote 'boom goats'.

Ten Ikea Based Adventures.

1. Go out for a lovely and romantic dinner for two—sausage and mash for $3.95.
2. Lie on a bed with a friend in public—very voyeuristic and slightly kinky.
3. Sit at a kitchen table and Ikea your whole house.
4. See if you can find an English book on the shelves.
5. Try and work out if there is anything else you could fit into the world's smallest room.
6. Try on all the animal hats in the kiddie department and find a new best friend and traveling companion.
7. Build wardrobes on the computer.
8. fill in the card with all the things you fantasize about collecting in the stacks on the way out.
9. Self-check.
10. Mountain climb back down the stairs to the first floor.

Ten Questions Worth Asking.

1. When you sleep, where do your fingers go? (Thanks Cake).
2. Why is belly button lint blue? (Thanks V——).
3. If you had a science degree, would you become an astronaut or a Mythbusters scientist?
4. Kylie or Dannii? Or Sam or Dean? Or, for the older vampire lovers, Angel or Spike? For the newer, Edward or Jacob?
5. Why do Sandra Sully and Jennifer Kyte manage to keep their jobs despite the advance of age, but most other female broadcasters get processed pronto?
6. Why do we have to deal with other human beings?
7. Why do pineapples make your tongue hurt; and omelets make your teeth feel weird but not scrambled eggs?
8. Why do first class train seats all face backwards——it's not like that class goes faster, or has higher g-forces.
9. Why are you able to have pimples and wrinkles at the same time? They should be mutually exclusive.
10. Why did Bodhi have better eyelashes than me?

Ten OH&S Comments You Thought Would Never Be Necessary to Say to People, or, Albert, You Were Right: Life is Absurd.

1. Before you wear your new uniform, make sure you wash it.
2. Make sure a sixty tonne crane has the appropriate harnesses if you walk under it.
3. If you use it, clean it; if you mess it, clean it; if you spill it, clean it.
4. Wash your hands after you pee-pee and poo-poo.
5. Don't stand on a swivel chair to move something—the something you will move, otherwise, is you to the floor.
6. Stress shouldn't ever be under-rated, dismissed or ridiculed.
7. Don't bring your bugs to work.
8. Don't run with scissors.
9. Things that have been in the microwave may be hot. (I am yet to locate a 'cool' button on a microwave!)
10. Stay away from the tuna sandwiches.

Under Construction ...

Ten Things I Found in my Belly Button Space.

* This is a forum in which to place the odd things that I sometimes see, feel or sense. And because they are odd, they need to come from an odd space. I may have been a bit caffeine affected the day I came up with this list. Or, I may not. I'll just tell you the things and you can put together the context—if you can. Explanations at the bottom.

1. A penny farthing, a film crew and a palm tree.
2. A tennis ball.
3. A tram driver and a prayer mat.
4. Moss.
5. A car with furry side mirrors and a giant blow-up man on the back of a truck.


Explanations:
1. In the wee small hours of the morning after night shift, I walked through the palm-tree park and they were filming a man on a penny-farthing. In the pink morning air it seemed weirder than it would ordinarily be.
2. One night when I was doing my insignificant arm exercises, I felt through the floorboards and my bare feet, a feeling like someone was very quickly bouncing a tennis ball on the bottom of the floor. It was kind of spooky. I'm saying it was Bodhi telling me to concentrate on the heavier weight so I don't hurt myself.
3. When the tram stopped at the terminus in South Melbourne, the driver pulled up a little short of the siding. He got out with his prayer mat and faced it toward the rising sun and commenced his conversations with God. The unusual location of his usual activity was surreal in the eyes of the night shift worker.
4. On my way home, again after a night-shift, I noticed a door mat whose threads have been replaced with moss. It was the perfectly normal looking perfectly strange again.
5. One weird vehicle is weird, but two in a single trip to a tram constitute belly-button fodder. The blow-up man kept turning up again too.

Under Construction ...

Ten Weird Facts I Bet You Didn't Know About the World.

*Unless you read or watch or listen to the same things I do—which is not a far-fetched notion.

1. Every night, for the five minutes straight after Eastenders, the British Electricity network goes into overload to counteract the drain of power created when between one and one-and-a-half million people get up to pop on the kettle for a cuppa. Sometimes they even need to get extra power from France. This happens nowhere else in the world. (Except for when everyone turns their lights on again after Earth Hour.)
2. The Haskell Free Library and Opera House in the American state of Vermont has been built on the Canadian-US border. No, literally on the border. the stage is in Canada, the seats in the US, the carpark is in Canada and the front door in the US. Border security operates between the cooking section and the children's library. I made that last bit up, but it is probably not far from the truth. the library floor has a black line across ir that marks the border. It's a little bizarre.
3. CDs actually play from the inside to the outside: they are back-to-front records.
4. Tyndale, the priest from the Old Sodbury Church, was burned at the stake for translating the Bible into English so that the raff-and-rubble could read it. They did build a tower on a high hill to make up for their arguable over-reaction.

Under Construction ...

Ten of My Strangest Dreams.

1. I dreamed that I sewed something into Lolly's tummy, microwaved her and then starting eating slices close to the sewing. I was distracted at the time by a triple zero call where a female was trying to say there was violence when there wasn't and by frantically trying to pack a suitcase. Lolly woke up. I thought she was dead. I was rather concerned that microwaving her had not been a good thing. She seemed to be okay and so I wanted to just give her a panadol and let her sleep. I let it be because what I had sewn into her tummy had pills in it. Hmmm?
2. I dreamed that I was dying. Someone had ensured it by putting a sword through from one ear to the other. There was no pain and not a lot of fear. I just knew that if I went to sleep that would be it. There was a sort of clarity to it, a sort of relief. The only thing I needed to do was find the place to sleep.
3. I dreamed that I was taking Bodhi for a walk around the block. I looked up and noticed that in fact he was driving my Toyota Land Cruiser in a very reckless manner. Suddenly he crashed it and turned it over, setting a fire hydrant spurting water into the air. He was comically characterised like a person so when he realised what he had done he came back onto the lead and acted like a proper dog again.
4. I was part of a Race-Around-The World type expedition that was on a boat skirting the coast. We couldn’t stop at any of the beaches because there were giant waves and the cliffs and beaches looked like melting chocolate. One of the other participants was being interviewed for the program. He was a property developer. He had a huge project he was working on—a risky project to help him through the economic downturn, one in which he had to invest a lot of his own money. The development was on a piece of reclaimed ground—reclaimed from the water in a bay that looked Hawaiian. He was building four housing commission flats. I—in whatever form I manifested in the dream, seemingly an omniscient sort of viewpoint—was concerned, due to the prevailing weather on the boat, that the development was too close to sea level. In order to alleviate my fears he got me to do a trace of the plans. There was a black and white drawing of the plans (although of course they didn’t look like plans—more like the coastline the ship was following) and it was gridded. I had to do one of those drawings where you draw by following what happens in each grid square …
5. I was flying business class. The difference between business and first (beside the former being blue and the latter gold) was that the full reclining bed in business was in the row of three and to leave you had to climb over others who were sleeping. In first class they had double beds with the ability to get out either side. There were long windows and little booths that had a chair and table and were shared between ever four seats, where people could sit and chat. We were travelling to Singapore. B—— was there, along with lots of people from her work. In first class there were an inordinate number of people in the army. Suddenly we were there—before we had even been fed. The plane landed on the highway. We hadn’t even had to put on seat belt or put the bed up. It taxied to the gate on the highway too. At one intersection they were fixing the lights. The workmen had to take down the ladders and I watched the wings moving to avoid the light. It was close. We had to stay overnight in Singapore. We went to the hotel—called the Hotel Sunshine. It was so difficult to find. At reception they gave B—— and I our room, which turned out to be a closet with bunks and a shared bathroom—not in keeping with our business class tickets. We did get robes. I stared at them while I waited for B—— to get out of the way so I could climb into bed, have something to eat and fall asleep …

Ten Things I would Like to be When I Grow Up.

1. A shoe designer. I am so going to do this one—just as soon as I finish, or maybe start, my PhD. There'll be time, I'm sure. How great would it be? I don't think I need to explain my passion or interest or fascination with the humble shoe—let alone the ostentatious one!
2. Song Lyricist. I need to be able to go to my grave knowing I have penned some pithy lines. Songs seem the best forum for this. Poetry is too obscure and too proper—I'd like something almost a bit cheesier.
3. A Dream ——(?). I have not worked this role out yet. Or how I will make a living. Not analyst. Not internet psychic. It's the content of the dreams that fascinates me, but I don't really want to actually get inside people's noggins. Not psychoanalysis. Research of some sort. Creativity of some sort. I am working on a definition.
4. Architect. When I had to go to the careers counselor in high school I would always read up on what I thought I might like to be one day. Being a systematic type of person, (annoyingly, due to my high number of planets in Virgo), I would start reading the job guide at the beginning, becoming rapidly bored by 'b'. Architect always stood out in the 'a' section. I do love buildings, interesting, beautiful, quirky buildings. It would be a noble thing to be: an architect.
5. Bear Grylls; Kevin McCloud; Alain de Botton. Why are they all men? I would love to have the kind of jobs these men have. They travel the world doing quirky things that I love to do: perservere; architecture; wax lyrical. I am not sure I would want to be on TV, but the rest is envy producing.
6. Writer. Possibly, it could be considered, maybe, sometimes, I am already one. 'Being' one when you grow up though would entail being able to confidently call yourself one. It would also be more career-like if you could get paid to do it.
7. Neckwear Artist. I would so love to tell you the name of the company I will have when I am a neckwear artist—but it's the old 'I'll have to kill you' thing because I haven't registered it yet and I don't want anyone to pinch it. Neckwear will include knitting, sewing, body jewellery, corsetry, socks and other things that may come close to your neck. What? P—— at work can put her leg around her neck, if she is wearing a sock—neckwear! It's a no-brainer.
8. Mythbusters Scientist. This is the answer to a long debated question. Ooh, no, I'll put the question on the question list. You have to find that to know what it was. Mythbuster scientist is the answer.
9. Covert Operative. I wait everyday to be headhunted into this career. The problem is I don’t want to work for ASIO. I would rather be a KGB spy or a French Foreign Legion spy. This is probably a dangerous thing to say in the current climate. I don’t want to be on a side, but that is a little hard in the spy game, and my sense of loyalty precludes being a double agent.
10. Book store owner. Forgot that I ever wanted to do this and that great plans and schemes—one silver, bullet shaped one of which I still harbour as a great possibility and a great amount of fun. Can’t say more, but look out for it in a street near you if we ever get off our bots and do it.

Under Construction ...

Ten Times Where I Have Over-Reacted Somewhat.

1. Resolving to drop your Honours Thesis and take up a midyear enrolment in RMIT Shoe Design because someone tells you they have nine PhD students and seven Honours students to supervise and that Nip/Tuck is silly. Nip/Tuck is silly.
2. Throwing in the towel on a Staff Consultative Committee because nothing ever comes to fruition and they have done a ridiculous about-turn on the computer issue; saying the two hour meeting, once every three months will have to go towards writing my thesis which was obviously going to be written in the breaks from calls at work. And then, in the very next meeting they announce computers are allowed again and guess who is staff member of the month for their ongoing commitment to the Staff Consultative Committee?
3. Having a complete hissy fit melt-down when Dee is late for a brunch date. It was a useful hissy fit because it now reminds me forever not to get so emotionally involved in someone that you can have a hissy fit like that—it reminded me of being in a relationship where fights like that happened. This over-reaction has formulated the way I would like to have relationships from now on!
4. Seeing lighters and ashtrays on the Irregular Choice website and instantly sending them an email to say that it is wrong to promote smoking to young women, who are the main (I imagine) consumer group for the site, and the largest growing group of cancer sufferers. I felt strongly and told them it made me want to not buy from them. They were humble in their reply saying they hoped I realised that lighters can be used to light other things beside cigarettes. Mmm, what else do you use an ashtray for?
5. Finally succumbing to making a response on an i-Google theme. It was the one for Lance Armstrong’s charity. One writer had bemoaned promoting long distance cycling as making people impotent and sterile. I waxed lyrical that that was ridiculous as Lance had fathered five children, two with only one testicle. Turns out he had all his swimmers frozen. I found this out after I could see all the comments that would have come back to me about that.
6. The weepy, self-pitying, self-loathing over-reaction of a woman slightly scorned by an overly relaxed boy. Poor boy, that eliminated the problem of being overly relaxed.
7. It’s an over-reaction—and a hint that maybe there are other things to go out and discuss in the field where there is no right or wrong—when breaking the CD for the first episodes of the next season of Buffy ends in tears, reproaches, guilt, instructions-badly-taken, catatonic silences and three days of subsequent depression.

Ten i-Google Themes of the Day Plus a Ridiculously Annoying Comment from its 'About the Theme' Page.

* I like the idea of randomness. Obviously, other people also like the idea of randomness. Would you choose to have a rotating theme of the day on your i-Google page if you didn't? Within randomness is the chance of disappointment. [I'm getting a feeling of deja vu—I've ranted about this before haven't I?] All I can say, then, is that if you choose randomness, can you complain because you get what you don't like—if you do have to complain, just choose 'Sweet Dreams' and watch your computer pass through the earth's orbit, and nothing random will ever happen. There's free speech, I know, but why does it have to be so annoying!

1. Today's theme, brought to us by NIGO(R), a Japanese streetwear producer and DJ, is camo of sorts, blobs of colour. This one must be the urban camo—greys with bright blues and yellows. What is hilariously ironic, and illustrates the age of the people who comment all the time and drive me mad, is that this theme doesn't float my boat (its blobby and ugly, although, I wont make a comment ranting and raving about it), but there isn't a negative comment in sight! So Y-gen is okay for NIGO(R) to blatantly advertise through so-called art, just not any other 'producer' who is marketed at anyone but themselves, eg. Tommy Hilfiger's beautiful boatscapes, Philip Stark's monochromatic axioms. This is such a great start to the list, upends everything. I love it.
2. Today's theme, brought to us by Ronnie Wood, Rolling Stone and artist, is art on a wall. It's actually nice (sorry about the boring word, I'm thesis frazzled)—landscapes, soft, on a white wall. I had to double take on the name, this can't be THE Ronny Woods. It's Ronnie Woods turned Constable. I love the comment about the person who likes it because she can't see how she is being sold to. Personally, I like my propaganda obvious—if you don't know you are being sold to doesn't mean you aren't being sold to. Buy his records, buy his art, visit his gallery. You're being sold to, believe me.
3. Today's theme, brought to us by Fabio Moon and Gabriel Ba, artists it seems, is fabulous. They are simple pictures but very emotive—line drawings with a bit of colour. I have only seen two so far but the shortened perspective, just taking in a bit of detail is great. I really like it. So does everybody else!
4. Today's theme, brought to us by Jeff Koons has examples of his quite iconic artwork. I find it funny because he is on the the most marketing savvy and entrepreneurial artists I can think of (admittedly I cant think of many) in that he uses other people's labour to make a name for himself. He makes the designs and then someone else makes the piece. He makes industrial design into art. And he is not cheap. All the commentators who think yay, not another advertising space for Google theme of the day—you're being fooled again!
5. Today's theme, brought to us by Nagi Noda, a Japanese pop artist is full of Han Panda, a comic panda bear. It's cute enough—which sentiment is shared with one commentator, but, regardless, they still find it too yellow. When I can't find something else to complain about, I always say it's too yellow.
6. Today's theme, brought to us by Ken Done, is a painting of Sydney and its icons. It changes light with the day which is a bit spesh, even including a pair of parakeets who have flown off somewhere now. I, personally, and sorry to all those who are, am not a Ken Done fan. Maybe I don't like naive. And if anyone in the list thinks, yay, no advertising, again all I can say is: fool! Let's see what they have to say. No, they are all just saying they are glad to see art for a change. I am not judging, I am not judging. Now who is kidding who. No one.
7. Today's theme, brought to us by Fatima Lopez, a fashion designer, is a runway with drawn fashion models. Being, in another life time, a person who loved to draw fashion illustrations, I kinda like this one. On the whole comments are the usual complaints about skinny models and too much white and the theme of the day taking a whole day to change—can't it go faster. I do like the person who liked the theme, and took time from their busy day to comment on how people should get a life if all they have time for is commenting negatively on it. Does it take less time to comment positively, including a time comment on the negativity. Time really is relative isn't it.
8. Today's theme, brought to us by Mark Morris, dancer, choreographer and opera director, is a changing collection of photographs of dancers. There is a bit of whining about the black background obliterating people's 'friends' names—if you can't remember your friend's names, are they really friends? In cyber-culture a friend seems to be just a number. These are possibly the same people who complain on the light coloured backgrounds that you can't see the google writing. I don't have any 'friends' so I like the dark just fine.
9. Today's theme, brought to us by Gustavo Rosa, artist, is of a rather chubby man lying on the beach. He seems to move across the page as the day goes on. He looks happy enough. You can tell he is in the northern hemisphere though. (Portugal). (Although it may be Brazil—I shouldn't assume). He doesn't get pinker over the course of a whole day in the sun. Someone doesn't like it because he looks like a 'fat banker' who has stolen everyone's money and retired to the beach. I thought I had made a grand assumption assuming he was Portuguese.
10. Today's theme, brought to us by John Maeda, graphic designer, artist and computer scientist, is an image, seemingly, of out-of-focus glasswear, but is possibly, instead, from the description, computer animated colour. I didn't really like the one on my page, but the one on the 'About this Theme' page looks lovely. Most of the critics seemed to think it was the 'shizzle', or 'the rose off the thorn', so possibly consensus will rule on that one.

Ten Sensational Song Lyrics—The Sort of Thing I Will Write When I Become a Songwriter Later On.

1. Oh very young what will you leave us this time,
You’re only dancing on this earth for a short while,
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now,
They will vanish away like your daddy’s best jeans,
Denim blue, fading up to the sky,
And though you want them to last forever,
You know they never will, you know they never will,
And the patches make the goodbye harder still.
‘Oh Very Young’ by Cat Stevens.

2. But love ain't no train, more like a broncin' bull,
And the most you got's fifteen seconds in the saddle,
And even if you manage to ride, you are all shaken up in side,
And it's gonna be a long time before you ride that bull again.
'If Love Was a Train' by Michelle Shocked.

3. Children with candyfloss
And prizes of goldfish,
Young men kill tin ducks
In sharp shooter poses,
The laughter of the lovers
On the rickety stairs,
The rumble of the diesel
And the sounds of the fair.

An old gypsy lady,
In soft Spanish whispers,
Took my hands in hers
And told me their secrets:
'Your heart is a fire,
And his love is an ember.
You must forget
What you'll always remember.'

Superstitious nonsense,
Just a fairground attraction.
I walk through the neons,
In search of distraction.
But the tears in my eyes
Knew the truth in my heart.
She'd only confirmed
What I knew, at the start.
'Fairground Attraction' by Fairground Attraction.

4. Well.this flower is my soul,
But it's not half of what I owe.
I should give you every rose that ever grew.
But take this one here for a start,
And you can keep it in your heart,
I have everything I need because of you.
'This Flower' by Kasey Chambers.

5. And I love you so.
The people ask me how,
How I've lived till now.
I tell them I don't know.

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been.
But life began again
The day you took my hand.

And, yes, I know how lonely life can be.
The shadows follow me, and the night won't set me free.
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me.

And you love me, too.
Your thoughts are just for me;
You set my spirit free,
I'm happy that you do.

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read,
All but life love is dead,
That is my belief,
'And I love you so' by Don McLean.

6. Sometimes, its like someone took a knife baby,
Edgy and dull, and cut a six inch valley
Through the middle of my soul.

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet,
And a freight tain running through the
Middle of my head.
Only you can cool my desire.
I'm on fire.
'I'm on Fire' by Bruce Springsteen.

7. The moon is nowhere, almost time for the sun.
The voice of the waves sound anciently young.
I'm a prisoner of freedom, ten toes in the sand:
And man, I wish I had a hand to hold.

I'm in the habit of being alone.
I try hard to break it; I cant on my own.

I'm glad no one's here, just me by the sea.
'Me by the Sea' by Edie Brickell.

8. There's a small boat made of china,
Going nowhere on a mantle piece.
'Weather with You' by Crowded House.

9. How about some wings so the
Birds won't have to walk to get around.
And how about a bird bath or two
So the birds will all be clean.
How about some feathers so their
Underwear no longer will be seen.
How about a chirp so the birds
Won't have to whisper when they sing.
And how about some common sense so they
Won't be blocking traffic in the spring.

Oh remember me my darling,
When spring is in the air,
And the bald headed birds
Are whisp'ring ev'rywhere.
You can see them walking
Southward in their dirty underwear:
That's the Tennessee Bird walk.
'Tennessee Bird Walk' by Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan.

10. Bows and flows of angel hair,
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons, everywhere.
I've looked at life that way.
...
Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels,
The dizzy, dancing way you feel,
As every fairy tale comes real.
I've looked at love that way.
...
Tears and fears and felling proud,
To say 'I love you' right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds.
I've looked at life that way.
'Both Sides Now' by Joni Mitchell.