Ten Winges, Whines, Concerns and Complaints About my Last Honours Core Subject.

* Explanation: Last year I did this subject and dropped out because it made me cry, along with other more serious and practical reasons which are obliterated in memory by the fact that it made me cry. It's a core subject. I have to do it this year, tears or no. Suck it up princess.

1. The teacher. I am fearful of the net and its ability to share info to everyone who cares to look, so think of this as feedback. She scared the bejeebers into all of us (I surveyed one other person to verify this fact) by saying that you may as well not do the course if you don't get high distinctions for every subject, and then gave me a credit (I don't do credit, except twice, and I'm not happy about it) for having too large a subject matter. My theory is by the time I am finished it will be the right size. My theory is not the proper way to do it. My theory is how I have been doing it all along. Change management required—eek. More later regarding this, but suffice it to say that I am trepidatious to go through this all again. On the plus side, I am no longer wanting to get a scholarship (who can live on that, and they don't let you work over and above) so I don't have to worry if—God forbid—I get a credit. On the even pluser side, now that I have started back at school, we don't have the same teacher. Whoo hoo. Let's hope this one works out better.
2. I don't know what I am doing. Seeing as this class is to develop your thesis proposal, bibliography and introduction, not  knowing what it is about makes it a little hard. It also ensures I find everything else in the world to do except homework.
3. Everybody has a different idea on what it is I am doing. By everybody I mean me, my supervisor, and the teacher of this course. Is the aim of this year to make you feel more stupid than you ever have. If so, objective achieved!
4. I get the impression that Literary Studies is thought of as pedestrian, and all the interest is in visual and creative arts. As a result it seems like the focus lies there and all the literature students are left to flounder on their own.
5. I am not good at planning. This course requires you to plan. The thesis requires planning. I don't wanna plan! I just want to wax lyrical for sixteen thousand words and hope it all turns out okay. I realise I can't do that. Eek and Yuk.
6. My thesis makes perfect sense in my subconscious. I probably dream lucid and exciting theses all the time—wish I could remember them. When it comes to verbally expressing them though? Doesn't come out prettily.
7. I am not prepared. I was going to have November off and then start researching again in December and be all ready to go for the course. I allowed myself to be distracted, waylaid and deterred. I did one day's worth of studying between December 1st and now. Ooh, need to google ...
8. I don't have to do an exegesis. Why do I need to go to a class where all they seem to do is talk about them. This goes back to number four.
9. I am going to have to do a big whammy talk in front of at least a million and a half people. That's before the televised numbers. I am sure it is only about eighteen people, but that is what it will feel like.
10. When I do make or scrape through this course, there will be nothing left but to write the damned thing. Eek.

* Why doesn't whining make you feel any better? It's because no matter what you say, you are still going to have to carry on doing this course. Tough luck lovey!